Rather than gather up a few rocks and write 'HELP' in the sand of Iraq, or ignite an oil well to send panicked smoke signals, the U.S. will ask the United Nations for help with keeping the peace in Iraq. So here it is, the draft of the U.N. resolution to be presented to the Security Council by Secretary of State Colin Powell and U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. John Negroponte:
United Kingdom of Great Britain and United States of America: draft resolution: Resolution s.o.s. 91103
September 4th, 2003
Before the United Nations Security Council, New York:
Recognizing the threat Iraq’s non-compliance with unilateral United States military occupation poses to international peace and future success of Campaign Bush 2004,
Recalling that the United States blew off this assembly the last 18 times it visited,
Further recalling the United States gathers intelligence like a 3 year old,
Deploring the fact that Iraq has resisted to tear down its own statues without the help of U.S. Marines,
Further deploring the fact that previous resolutions of this body caused the United States to wet its diapers and cry,
Recalling that Iraq would cease embarrassing the United States in the world court of opinion,
Admitting the United States has bitten off more than it can handle...
It is resolved:
The United States acted immorally, defied this Council, is unable to guarantee a return to self-rule for the peoples of Iraq,
The preemptive strike against the sovereign country of Iraq gained more warriors of terror than any other action,
The small nearly unilateral force in Iraq cannot solely keep the peace as desired because of irresponsible budget management, shotty intelligence, and oft-attacked military of the United States.
It is concluded:
We would appreciate your confirmation of the above as a correct reflection of our situation and seek assistance in mending the issues.
Naturally, we may need other practical arrangements when proceeding with peace. We would expect in such matters, as with the above, the world's cooperation in all respect with no questions asked. Because we said so. Neah. Neah. (funny face).
Posted by mbare at September 03, 2003 03:25 PMWe should apologize and buy everyone cookie dough ice cream. Mmm....cookie dough
In all seriousness though I'd just be happy if we redirected our military against the people responsible for the power outages on the east coast, that has the potential to be much more dangerous than terrorists at the moment.
But then I'm a geek and am afraid of not having my computer for a while, so I'm probably biased.
Posted by: Dep on September 4, 2003 02:18 PM