A.L. East -- New York Yankees... As much as I'd like to pick the Boston Red Sox, its just not their year (or decade... or era...).

A.L. Central -- Minnesota Twins... Last year's surprise team is this year's obvious A.L. Central winner

A.L. West -- Oakland... They have 3 twenty game winners who have down so in two consecutive seasons. Watch out for the Anaheim though (RALLLLLYYYYY MONNNNNNNKEEEEYYYYYYYY!!).

N.L. East -- Montreal... They had a great record up to the all star break last year. I dunno. There's no real good team in the N.L. East.

N.L. Central -- Chicago Cubs... Dusty Baker's new team, highlighted by Slammin' Sammy... OY! Dusty has experience managing supersluggers and knows exactly what to do with Sammy. Don't forget Chicago has half decent pitching. The Brewers suck. Watch out for St. Louis.

N.L. West -- Barry Bonds

P.S. The Brewers suck.

*sigh*

Thank God for the season opener today - something exciting other than war will be showing on my TV.

Apparently, there is something more important than baseball is going on (I can't possibly imagine that to be true...If it is, what is wrong with this world?) for American's number 1 baseball fan. Bush has declined an invitation to throw out the ceremonial "first pitch" of the Major League Baseball Season. He's decided to send his father, who obviously can't throw, "The elder Bush threw a ceremonial pitch before the opener at Arlington Stadium in Texas, bouncing the ball to Rangers catcher Geno Petralli."

What next Dubya? Not gonna pardon the White House Thanksgiving turkey from certain death? Tradition sucks huh?

Anyway, from now on you'll have to deal with baseball commentary as well as politics. Look for my division champ and world series picks later.

P.S. The Brewers suck.

This all came out of an AIM conversation with my good friend Johnny Bass:
In other related (I'm not sure how, but I'm 100% certain it is.) events/news, Bass has informed me he is breeding his own sea monster. The infallible to the human poking finger, jelly-like floater is "progressing nicely," he says. It is incubating slowly in a green plastic cup/makeshift aquarium near his window.
The man-eating (well, soon) beast spawned from Milwaukee city tap water. He left it near the window shortly before his spring break, which he left for from Milwaukee 2 Fridays ago. Coincidentally, I stayed the night at their place 2 nights before that, when the cup was likely filled. Though I make no claim to creation of this beast, I don't deny possible involvement.
With a steady diet of more Milwaukee tap water, our friend should continue its gestation to unreasonably horrifying dimensions. The thing will be enough to make King Kong crap himself.

During the interview with Bass I observed the following:

mbare.org: How would you characterize the Sea Monster's growth rate?
Bass: I don't know... Over a week it went from nothing to being this big... I actually just only saw it last night... It does seem to have grown an outside coat that wasnt there before I touched it.
mbare.org: Do you think the outside coat is the beginning of an exoskeleton?
Bass: I actually doubt that its a creature, as I don't see any self movement... but I suppose it could resemble an exoskeleton.
mbare.org: Perhaps it is only a sea monster fetus?
Bass: Hmm... A self enclosed external fetus, much like the eggs tadpoles stem? Sure.
mbare.org: How do you feel about being a new mother?
Bass: Quite alright as long as I wear the skirt in the house.
mbare.org: God I hope I had no hand in the fertilization process. Do you think the Sea Monster fetus will have to be moved to the bath tub and given a steady stream of tap water? Will your roommates, Patterson and KrockStar, be upset?
Bass: I certainly believe that letting my first born to the unknown world of a bath tub is far too early of a step right now... An eventual step will have to be to a bowl of warm water to further the growing stage.
mbare.org: Have you picked out a name?
Bass: "Steven." Why steven? Its what I call everything when people ask me to name things.

Look for Steven updates in the weeks ahead and hope for Bass's safety. He sleeps right under that window. Bass, get a digital camera.
We have far too much time on our hands.
Here's to that DU link. It was nice having you. Hehe.
Peace.

(The following contains no typos or mispellings, but God did it make my head hurt. If you get confused, check the glossary.)

OH yah doncha know? Spring break in 'Sconsin!!! Ayn much better 'n dat 'n so? So all my schoolmates are by da warm places 'n'kay, Florda, Cancun... Well yah, not me y'know. I'm upnort. Yup, too bad it ayn Packer season. I'd get me a brat 'n watch dem guys on da tee-veee.

I flew into Mwalky from Dee-Cee. I sat dere for a while watchin' dem planes take off for LaCrosse and Madison and Central 'Sconsin. Den dey called my plane to GrEEEEn Bay, I walkt out by it in da freezin' cold and blowin' snow and got in 'er. We flew upnort past Mantwoc and Trivers. I waved out da window y'know. My parents met me at da airport. So we drove home on interstate forty-tree at a steady... oh I'd gander 'bout 65 miles an hour. Wasn't much goin' on when we pulled in by Mantwoc 'roun'bout midnight. Its da town dat sleeps y'know. I stepped outta da car and smelt da air... oh dat dairy air. Good ayn'it! I went to bed kinda early. I was tired 'n the next day was my birday...

So I woke up on my Birday 'roun'bout.. oh I'd say two-tirdy. Oh yah, it snowed... Oh I'd say 'bout 4 inches. Juss a dustin' y'know! Not like dem Dee-Cee folks, cripes dey shut everythin' down when dey get dat much! Dad took me to the Piggly Wiggly to get some root beer, cuz dey don't have any sohhhh-dahhh here at da house. Yah-hey, I gots me a gamecube and some books and a sweater. Pretty sweeet haul ayn'it? Yah Sunday I played da gamecube all day, cripes its hard. Monday, well y'know... more gamecube. Tuesday gonna be lots of da same. Wednesdsay I thinkin' I'll go visit da boys in Mwalky after I get my tooth lookt at.

I been to da new sooooper walmart twice. Cri-yiy-yiy!!! Dat place is big! And y'know, they put da disc golf discs way in da corner, as far from da door as dey could. I hate dat place. Next year I tink I'll go Sout for break hey? Well, I gots tah get tah sleep. Yoo's guys have a good day. :)

Peace.

If you haven't already planned your spring break (I'm sure you have. This post is a lot like the Valentine's gift ideas that were posted on Valentine's day.), mbare.org has got some ideas for you. Whether you like warm and sunny or frigid and unforgiving, you'll certainly find it here!

How about the warm, white sandy beaches of Zanzibar?
Perks: Getting frisked by a Zanzibarian upon arrival.
Risks: Nobody would have any idea where the hell you were, U.S. State Dept. paranoid warnings about terrorists threatening this little sand pile in the Indian Ocean off the coast of Africa.

Are you looking for that exciting "Wild On" adventure? How about West Virginia: Mardi Gras in Appalachia?
Perks: Small local environment, culturally enriching
Risks: The event already took place on March 1st, Drunk hillbillies flashing themselves to you.

Interested in getting lice and rabies? Or maybe "death to America" is your kind of thing? You might enjoy a jail cell with this man (if they give these guys cells?)!
Perks: Torture by U.S. operatives in some obscure foreign country.
Risks: Be sure to pack plenty of duct tape to protect yourself from body hair (Oh my God, is it really true? Yes! They WERE right about needing the sticky, gray, quacking menace to guard ourselves.)

How about a 24 day excursion riding elephants in Sumatra?
Perks: Ride an elephant in true Bill Clinton-esque style!
Risks: Overnight accommodation in good medium class 2 person huts. Threat of your slow ride getting poached.

If you ever had hopes of seeing the Arabian Penninsula, Persian Gulf or Kuwait, the National Guard is currently offering free tickets in that direction.
Perks: This may be the most "bang" for your buck offered on mbare.org, Free, Warm
Risks: Watch out for stray nonexistant nuclear weaponry, passive Iraqi troops, Commander In Chief directives etc.

Or, if you're like me, you could travel to the ultimate spring break destination.
Perks: Great disc golf course, you can buy Sprecher Root Beer at the grocery stores, Premiere Cafe
Risks: Poor local economy, slow or drunk drivers, eternal boredom, being mauled by Tom Bare's dog, seagull infestation, diseased swimming spots (all of these people were rushed to Holy Family Memorial Medical Center for treatment of hypothermia and e-coli), frigid lake breezes

And finally, today's useless liberal babble:
Here's the GOP plan this time around, buy the election with cash. I have a better idea - let people keep their $250 million, save the trouble of trying this reelection stuff. That'd be absolutely fantastic economic stimulus. :P Regardless, I really doubt this will be an ideal '84 or '96 thumping by the incumbant. They wouldn't raise this much money if they weren't seriously worried. Though that sort of paranoia is expected from these guys now. A liberal's best hope? A strong third party conservative candidate.